||[Jul. 31st, 2006|01:43 pm]
|||||Yankee Rose by David Lee Roth||]|
In case you haven't received them yet, here are this year's Darwin Awards -- the
annual honour given to the person who improved the "gene pool" the most by
killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always,
competition this year has been keen. And the candidates this year
* IN Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his
* A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran,"
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
* Buxton , NC : A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into
the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug
the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach
chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5
feet of sand. People on the beach on
the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to
Jones, a resident of Woodbridge , VA , but could not reach him. It took rescue
workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people
looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
* Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc , CA , as he fell face-first
through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when
the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed
into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
* Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyville , Del , as he won a bet
with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into
his mouth and pull the trigger.
* Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car.
While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss
it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the
window was closed.
* TACOMA, WA Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of
them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least
10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30AM. Upon arrival at the
midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's
leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the
cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I
can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night.
There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER:
* Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel
of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly,
and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated
Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The
sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to
the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the
elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and
during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents
that proves that "Sh*t happens!"